It still hurts but wanna know what? Getting through the day is much easier and I’m glad I’m okay. Thinking about it all still hurts and all, but what do you expect? I love him, but I love myself more. Because at the end of the day, I can only trust myself. I can only put myself first. I will be the only one that I can always rely on. Not him or any other guy, OR anyone else for that matter. It sucks and it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. The sooner I let my heart realize that, the better off I am.

So I sit at home alone today sad and teary-eyed because I don’t know when I’m going to be okay. I’ve been through it all before, so I know I’m going to be okay. I just don’t know how to get there, or when I’ll get there. Trust me- I’m not one of those girls that says “How am I going to live without him? I love him so much and I’ll never be able to love someone again.” That’s ridiculous. I was there about a year ago, but then guess what? I was okay! I know that I will get there again, I just don’t know how or when. I just wish the time would come sooner or later. After the last failed relationship that I sucked my heart into, it took maybe two months before I could stop crying every day. My step-mom was in a relationship for five years and it sucked when it ended. It took her a while to finally be okay. Then she met my dad. Now, they’re happily married with kids and it’s great. If she can get through all that, and I can get through my last lost love, then I’ll be okay. Typing it and talking about it doesn’t help. The only thing that helps is time. Just time. Time. Time. Time…a lot of time. Actually, a ridiculous amount of time. Great. When I get there, I’ll let you know. Until then, I’ll just sit at home alone all summer with my HBO, tissues, and chocolate. Until then…I’ll hurt, and I’ll be okay with it.

“This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away
And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I’ve ever known
You’ll disappear one day
So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away”

Is it fair that these lyrics describe the pain in my heart? I think about that, and you know what? Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t here to make you happy. Life is here to make you work, to make you feel like you made it through, and to make sure you don’t take the good for granted. He took me for granted. He broke my heart. He used me to the utmost disgusting point. The saddest thing is, that I let him do it. I thought I could trust you because you were different. You were my best friend. I gave you everything. I’ll never make that mistake again. Were all the moments and secrets and tears fake? You do that to all the girls? I sure hope not. I was pretty close to perfect for you. All the problems you thought were such a big deal you will find in every other girl that you meet. I hope you understand that. You need to learn to set boundaries in relationships, even friendships. You wonder why people step all over you. I know how I am, and never again will I let a little boy change that. I am strong, and I understand why I am the way I am. I love me. I’m sorry you don’t. You’ll be sorry one day.

Why is it that through it all I was the one trying so hard? It doesn’t have to be that hard. When you’re in something real, you shouldn’t have to worry about who they’re going to chose. They should chose you. If they don’t, it was never real to begin with.

Usually when people say they’re tired it is because they got three hours of sleep last night, or they had a hard day, or they’re just lazy. Me…nope. I’m tired of all the drama in my life. I’m tired of trying so hard to be happy. Happy shouldn’t be hard. Happy isn’t hard. Happy is getting up and surrounding yourself with people that love you. Not just people that say they love you, but people that show that they love you. You can show someone with little things. Little things that they ask you to do because you love them. If you say you love me, don’t miss my solo that I asked you to come to a week in advance. If you say you love me, then don’t lie to me and break my promises. If you love me, then show it. Stop being a little girl about the way you treat me. I’m tired…and one day I’m gonna be so tired that I’ll just walk away. I’m so close to it now. Don’t make me walk away…please… don’t let me walk away. Just show me that you care the way you say you do. Grow up. Be mature. Be a man. Love me, and don’t hurt me. That’s all I ask for.

I’m happy
I’m sad
I’m loopy
I’m mad
I love
I share
I disappoint
I care
I remember
I regret
I don’t hate
I don’t forget
I want to be accepted no mater what
I’ll always love myself and never grow too tough.

When you lose something, you see what you had the whole time. Everyone knows that. But when someone hurts you, what do you do? The hurt wasn’t something that you lost. You could have gone your whole life without that…So I excluded that from everything I felt. Then I remembered. I remembered all the stupid laughs we had about absolutely nothing. The laughs that help make my life worth the while. I remembered all the secrets and tears that we shared. I remembered all the hugs and all the kisses that made me have butterflies every time. I remembered how much I loved him, and how I took him for granted. I asked him about everything, and I doubted him. I know he’s not the smartest, or the most mature, or anything else that I really want. But you know what? He’s exceeds in every other aspect. I know he will never be perfect. Nor will I. One day we’ll both be more mature, and smarter. One day we will grow into our feelings. Until then, I don’t mind waiting on him. I don’t mind at all…it’s a lot better than being without him totally. That’s probably impossible. I love him, and I will forever. Even if we don’t make it forever. He will always have a piece of my heart. No matter what…